Even though the grief feels unbearable on most days, I also know I get to be here. I get to turn 49 and he didn’t. I get to see our boys grow up here on earth. I get to cry. I get to laugh. I get to watch stupid tv shows. I get sunrises and sunsets. I get to swim in the ocean and walk on the beach. I get to hug our kids. I get to see them grow and change. I get to do all the things we always imagined doing. And in some ways I don’t want to do any of it without Kevin. I literally have been sitting on my hands having my own little temper tantrum or maybe a pity party. Like what the actual fuck is this? How am I supposed to keep living without him.
I want to scream NOOOOO! This is not supposed to be our story. This is not supposed to be our life. I want everyone to know this life is so freaking unfair. Why do they all get to keep their husbands and I don’t? And then some people just throw their husbands away … get divorced. Wtf? Why is that okay? I didn’t want to throw mine away … I wanted to keep him with me so I could see him age. I wanted to see him turn gray and get wrinkled. I wanted him to be here when our kids graduate and get married. I want to see him hold our grandbabies. None of this is right or fair.
I want to change the outcome. Go back and tell his doctor to move quickly. To tell the ambulance to drive over fucking buildings and people to get to him. I want to be there when he collapsed so I could give him CPR. I don’t want my kids to have to see their Dad die. I don’t want this story.
I want our life back. Every day I want to go back not forward. But somehow this is our story. Our heartbreaking story. And I wouldn’t change the beginning or the middle. I would choose him over and over again. Because we made a beautiful life together with amazing children and I get to be there Mom. I get to see them grow up and I get to remind them every day that their dad loves them endlessly and is always with them. I get to turn 49 and god willing 50 and so on.
So because I get to … I need to stop sitting on my hands, need to stop the temper tantrum, need to start living the life he would want me to live. Because I get to …
