I had a few conversations this week about this idea that the boys and I often seem “fine”. When in reality, we are not fine. An administrator from my son’s school was explaining that the teachers don’t realize anything is wrong, because he often acts fine. But he isn’t fine, he’s only acting fine because he wants it to be. Wow. Mind blown. Isn’t that what we’re all doing?
I had thought something similar earlier in the week, I feel like I’m trying to hold the pieces of our life together as they were before Kevin died. But the truth is, nothing will ever be the same. We will put the pieces back together but it’s going to be different. And I’m not fine with that. It is the furthest thing from fine.
My older son is disappointed because his friends aren’t checking in on him. But his best friend told him their friends aren’t sure how to handle it because he seems happy, he seems fine. So, this is true for each of us. We try to keep doing life as if everything’s fine but the truth is none of us are fine. We will someday be okay, but not for a long, long time.
As their Mom, it’s important that I show them it’s okay to not be fine sometimes. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not “do” all the time. That’s really hard. My nature is to just keep going. I will try to be more honest with the boys about how I’m feeling, so they have the space, to be honest about their feelings.
