As a widow, I’ve had more than one friend tell me they would never remarry if they lost their spouse. Truly, my mouth drops open when they say this to me. Because my friends are the most amazing, supportive, loving people. They have stood by me in the hardest of times, held me while I cried, cheered me on when I figured something out, and have never stopped saying Kevin’s name.
But when it comes to the dating and marriage part of this new life, they would never. They would never remarry if their partner died. The implication is that marriage is hard and it’s easier to live life on your own terms. They don’t get it. I am so grateful they don’t get it, because it means their spouse is still alive. But it feels loaded with presumptions and judgement.
So for those of you who don’t know what it feels like to lose your spouse. Let me tell you why many want and choose to remarry. And it’s not because they can’t do life on their own. Most widows/widowers who want to remarry, loved being married and loved the person they were married to. They envisioned growing old with their spouse. And we have lost so much, more than you can even imagine.
We don’t want to let go of the possibility of growing old with someone. I would do anything to have Kevin still here with us. I envisioned growing old with Kevin, watching our children graduate from high school and college together, watching our children get married, becoming grand parents. I wanted to see him grow old. Marriage is hard, but I would do it all over again. As Kevin showed me over and over again, things worth having require hard work.
And even though I don’t get to live this second half of my life with Kevin here on earth, I still want to have someone to share all of these special moments with. I still want to have a “best friend who I think is hot”*. And I know Kevin would want that for me too. I will love Kevin until the day I die, but I have to keep living while I’m here. And God willing, I will remarry someday.
*Wi$h LiSt, Taylor Swift
