I am suddenly a huge Swiftie1. They tell you that your identity will change after loss, but I wasn’t anticipating how much my musical tastes would change. Her most recent album, The Tortured Poets Department is like an anthem for widows. I can relate to so many of her songs but “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” immediately blew my mind. Damn.
‘Cause I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
Taylor Swift, The Tortured Poets Department, I Can Do it with a Broken Heart
They said, “Babe, you gotta fake it ’til you make it” and I did
Lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you wanna die
He said he’d love me all his life
But that life was too short
Breaking down, I hit the floor
All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, “More”
I was grinning like I’m winning, I was hitting my marks
‘Cause I can do it with a broken heart (one, two, three, four)
Kevin loved music. He played the drums growing up apparently very loudly and was in a band. Note to self – find out name of said band. He was an avid consumer of music, attending concerts, and collecting tapes, and then CD’s. Eventually those CD’s would be downloaded to our computer so we could listen to them on our MP3 players. My how the music world has changed. Hah. But he couldn’t let go of the CD Collection. They lived first in binders and now in boxes, having moved with us through nine different addresses and now sitting in our basement.
Kevin loved most genres of music — classic rock, the Grateful Dead, Phish, Dave Matthews (has some old bootlegs from when he started out playing in small Charlottesville bars), Jimmy Buffet, Beck, Trey Anastasia, Ben Harper, The Black Keys, harder stuff like Rage Against the Machine and so many more. We spent many dates at concerts. I loved those dates because it made him so happy to be in the music.
When he died, music felt hard. It ripped my heart open. My first concert after he died — a small show at Jammin’ Java — with Tony Luca and Keaton Simons. I started crying during the first song and couldn’t stop. How could I ever see another concert without Kevin? How could he not be here? This is impossible. I sobbed. I thought I would never be able to love music again.
Then I started listening to more country music because that’s the one genre Kevin did not like. But country can be pretty heartbreaking as well! So, I started exploring in Spotify, finding new artists I’d never heard before. And I started having fun with it. Another concert a year after Kevin died I saw Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and Garbage. Neither of which I had heard with Kevin, so I only cried a little at that concert. I was taking music back and doing it for and with Kevin.
Enter Taylor. I started listening to some of her 1989 album and dug into friendship bracelets with my girlfriends. I loved the bracelet making. I became even more interested when she started showing up at football games. It made me happy to see her shining. A dear friend sent me a message and told me “Long Live” made her think about Kevin and my love and made her cry. I hadn’t heard of it so listened but didn’t totally get it.
But once Tortured Poets came out, I really started to listen to all of her music. And I recently re-discovered Long Live, and realized the ending is so our story. It is the most beautiful testament to my love, my Kevin.
Promise me this
Taylor Swift, Speak Now, Long Live
That you’ll stand by me forever
But if, God forbid, fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine
Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, “Long live all the magic we made”
And bring on all the pretenders, I’m not afraid
Singing long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live the look on your face
Long live our love, our story, the walls that we crashed through, all the magic we made, and the look on your face. I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. Long live our love. Long live.
- Dictionary.com defines Swiftie as “a fan of musician Taylor Swift. It is commonly used as a self-identifying term by Swift fans and by others to refer to Swift fans. Calling someone a Swiftie often implies that they are a very passionate and loyal fan—as opposed to just a casual listener. ↩︎
