My brain and my heart are still trying to process the fact you’re gone. It’s been 9 months, and still my heart searches for you everywhere. It’s such a strange thing that I really don’t know how to explain. In the beginning, I couldn’t remember my dreams, and if I did you were not there. But lately, you’ve been making an appearance and they’ve felt so real.
Last night, we were in the car going to the Richardson’s – all four of us and you were driving. It was so nice to be together again. We arrived at the Richardson’s and they were not expecting us. They invited us but I forgot to let them know we were coming. You seemed annoyed but then we all settled into the visit to watch March Madness and lots of people came. So in the end, the Richardson’s were having a party. I didn’t see you much, but I knew you were there.
Casper woke me up with barking, which scared me a little when I realized the back door wasn’t locked. (Note to self – need to get camera and alarm system) Then I heard that horrible scream foxes do and knew there was a fox in our yard. Then I thought what does it say about me, that I thought a fox was your spirit animal? Were you coming to see us? Or are you trying to warn me about something?
I was upset to have been woken from my dream that you were so clearly a part of. I went back to sleep and was able to return to the Richardson’s party but this time you were already dead. There were people from all aspects of our life. Someone told me that our Sean was stuck talking to a friend’s mom and wanted some relief. So I went in to rescue him, and ended up having to sit and talk with her about how we were doing since you were gone.
It was so wild, but I loved the moment with all four of us in the car. How many times did we drive somewhere the four of us? How many times did we get to have that wonderful family banter? Oh how I miss you. Oh how I miss our life together.
It feels like a dream, our life before. A dream of a beautiful life we built together. I had no idea how much so those small moments would matter now. The touch of your hand, your laughter, even your frustration. All of it. I want it all back. With so much love, and commitment, and friendship. Oh, how I miss you my love.
